She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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