I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
