Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
