I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I am spending my child support on dildos
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
