Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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