a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
oh god was she eating orange peels again
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
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