"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
