you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
