Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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