I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
