What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
