So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
