The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
