if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
