I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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