I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
