2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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