Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
