Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
