I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
