i think i have two assholes
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
