Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Randomize
