I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
