If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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