i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
