I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
