Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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