dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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