He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
