I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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