hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
