thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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