Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
