Only a mothe r could love this liver
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
