I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Someone shit on the floor
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
