My liver just broke up with me...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
