He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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