Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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