oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
