i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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