i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
