We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
