You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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