Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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