70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
