I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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