You're my little dorito
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
