You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
