oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
sex in a hospital.. check
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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