I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My penis needs a shock collar
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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